One Day My Prince Will Come Or has he?

I think almost every girl has heard and has probably said it in a fantastic round of girl talk...

"What does she see in him?!"

This phrase is used by countless friends in gossip rounds across the globe to describe a friend or acquaintance who has an "odd" taste in men. These women typically have guys who range from the terrible to the honest to god not bad at all to the god awful ugly. I for one have heard it, have used and it has been said about me. I've heard it said behind my back and its been said to my face.

So here you go all you nay say-ers here is what I see in "him"... If you don't honestly know who he is by now you honestly must not know me at all...

He is one of the sweetest guys I know. He's always there for me, he is there to back me up, or when its necessary, give it to me straight (no pussy-footing). He knows me inside and out. He pisses me off constantly but makes up for it all in the end. He is funny, witty, and an ass hole. He is private, sensitive (but he'll never let you see it.) He is sadistic with a hint of a mascicistic, he is insane. He is intuitive, intelligent, a fighter. He is so much more then I could ever express in words, he is all I have ever wanted and more. He is all of that to me. He has captured my heart, though he doesn't want it, he doesn't think he is good enough for me. But he is, and through all of that he still has my heart. And he isn't gonna be able to give it back very easily no matter how many times he breaks it.

I promised I'd look for another. But how can anyone else compare? How can anyone capture my heart while it is still in the possession of another. Of course my heart can grow and make room for someone new, its possible, and probable, and according to some I should give it a shot. The logic is there but my heart isn't in it. It just doesn't want to let go of the Joker boy. There are days when I wish it did, there are days when I wish he was completely mine, and there are days when I am overwhelmed by the power love has over me.

I am going to try to move on. I've pushed it to the back of my mind for now. Ill always wait for him and I'll always love him. He has a part of me that no one can touch. He has taught me so much. He forced me to "grow up" when no one else would. He believes in me. He has been with me through the good and the bad. I have been with him through those tough times as well. We may fight constantly, we may not full "understand" or "know" one another but we will never stop believing and pulling for one another in the end. Its just not possible for one to leave the other. We are like the strongest of magnets, the harder you try the more difficult it becomes to separate. And that is enough for me, I don't need a label for him. He is Sweets to me, that is all the label he needs for now. I'll always be in his debt. One day maybe I'll capture his heart like he has captured mine. One day.

I love you, Sweets.
I always will...

The Long and Short of it...

I have a story to share with you.

Once upon a time there was a little girl. She was brought into this world by two teenagers who by society's standards were not ready for a child in the slightest. Her mother was 19 and had only just gotten out of high school, while her father never graduated. She was born in a small town in the south but didn't live there much longer. Her parents moved back to their home town. Her mother took a job at the local mall while her father worked as a mechanic. The little girl was often left with her grandparents while her parents were away.

When she was about 2 years old the little girl was joined by a little sister. Not long after the trouble started. The little girl's parents fought a lot. Although she was so young she still hears the
muffled sounds of things breaking and yelling and screams in her dreams. The little girl's parents soon divorced and the little girl and her sister were entrusted to their mother while they saw their father every other weekend, at least that is what it says on the court papers.

As the years past the little girl grew up in the small little town with her mother and sister. Her mother remarried and soon there was a little brother added to the group. The little girl grew up living in fantasy, she poured over old movies like Star Wars and Indiana Jones and thousands of cartoons. She became obsessed with the stories of great heroes and heroines to the point that she wanted to know more. She wanted to know how the stories she watched were made. She wanted to know more. To make up for the often lack of continuations that a good movie often had the little girl created her own versions at night. She often stayed up well past her bed time
pretending, always including herself in the far off lands because she wanted to escape from the harshness of her own story.

The little girl felt as if her life was a constant living hell, looking back on it she still feels that way. Her father treated her like crap, she often pretended she was Cinderella, pretending her real father had died and left her with a mean new step father. She never told anyone how she felt and what really went on because she was scared. She felt alone and she wanted her prince to come and save her. She wished she could run away from the place on the weekends and go home to where she felt safe, but her mother persuaded her to stay for the sake of her younger sister. This made the little girl angry and often upset with her mother, because she felt like she didn't matter to either of her parents. She felt like her sister was the princess in her parents, eyes while the little girl was nothing but a maid.

She grew up still. She went to high school and graduated, not top of her class but who needs icky general classes when your passion is an art form that no one can really teach you. Her obsession with stories evolved into an obsession with movie making and she has been accepted into a top film making school where she will go off to in the fall. She is working hard to move past the scares and the pain that her child hood holds. She once felt alone, and some days she still does, but she wants her life to be spectacular and better than either of her parents would have dreamed up for her. She has something to prove. That little girl isn't worthless, she wasn't a mistake, and she isn't who she was thought to be.

That little girl is me.

Twitter Feeds and angry Followers

What is it with people and having issues with other people using Twitter to hold conversations?

Twitter is a social networking website that users can text or update from the web on what ever it is they want. Other users have the option to follow users who they choose. The users one follows' updates can be viewed on the users home page in a collective "News Feed."

In recent days I have faced multiple outcrys to my use of Twitter to have conversations over the internet. In my opinion "Twitversations" or "Twitvos" is a fundemental use of Twitter. As a social networking site it's members should be allowed to utilize it in the manner the user choses. My essential point of it all is that I am not gonna baraded or call out one of my "followers" for posting something on Twitter that I do not care for. It is their twitter and who am I to say what is wrong or right on a Social Networking site... Key words there SOCIAL NETWORKING site...

Social networking sites purposes very but essentially follow a basic principle, they were created to bring people who otherwise wouldn't be brought together. A main example of this is clear on my twitter: I have chosen to follow a few of my favorite Authors and Youtube stars and even certain celebs like @NathanFillion or @Ecogeek.

But a social networking site like twitter that utilizes many diffrent technologies shakes that basic principle up a bit in my mind. Because users are allowed to mobile follow someone using SMS texting from their phone many people hold conversations on Twitter. It allows one user to be on the phone while another is on a computer. For me it is a better way to talk to people then AIM from my phone. AIM mobile dosnt allow me to start convos easily, twitter does.

To be clear I do understand the other side to all of this. I really do but my essential point is it really is nothing to be angry about. I understand that it is annoying to some people to wade through usless nonsense on twitter to find what they are looking for, but unfortunatly for them Shit like that happens. People, myself included, are still gonna use their Twitter accounts in a manner that they see fit. I will however try to limit length convos from update and try and move to direct messages to ease some peoples "suffering". All I ask is that everyone take a look from my point of view as well, look at the big picture instead of nit picking that is all I ask and I don't mean to be a bitch at all about this. I love pretty much all of my followers and those who follow me back, @FactorOne said it best:

"We follow you for a reason."

Joss-LESS Buffy Movie... WTF!?!

It has been brought to my attention that an atrocious and icky-tastic announcement was released from Hollywood execs in recent days.

According to Whedonesque.com and many other entertainment news outlets plans are in the works for, what they are calling, a "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" "reboot" movie.

Which would be spled-fucking-diferious for all us slayer loven fans... But there's a catch:
"The film will be separate from the television series. It will not be part of the Buffy-verse cannon. It will be with out the amazing cast of characters such as Giles, Willow, Zander, Oz, Cordie, Spike, Dawney, and many others. And here is the biggy: THE MASTER OF THE BUFFY-VERSE JOSS WHEDON WILL NOT BE INVOLVED IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM!"

In the words of little Lizzie from Drop Dead Fred: "What a pile of SHIT!"

To me this is like hearing about the death of a child. I feel for Joss, his baby the Bufster is being taken by some scary creepy mustasioed greasy man and rapeing the shit out of the poor little girl and breaking the hearts of her parents.

Ok so MAYYYYBEEEEE that's going a little to far but a Buffy with out a Whedon is like a Fish without water. Its discussing and disturbing and full of so much fail it makes my eyes and... Ok it makes my whole face bleed just thinking about how fail-tastic it sounds.

I completely understand that after the epic fail that was the original Buffy Movie back in 1992, when the original was released, that Fran Rubel Kuzui and her husband maintained the rights to Buffy and later became producers of the beloved TV series. But as a film maker I do NOT like it. I may understand holding the rights to something, but Buffy isn't her's.

That is the bottom line. Buffy is Joss Whedon's he wrote the script for the 1992 movie, he created Buffy from nothing, and when the movie flopped he didn't drop her like yesterdays newspaper, he worked hard and brought her too the small screen where, for lack of a better term, she kicked ass for 7 long seasons and in many MANY comic books there after.

Joss has never been with out his Buffy. And I feel like now this Kuzui chick is taking her away from him. It isn't right. It is just so icky I want to vomit.

I honestly hope it flops...

I never wish that on movies but I really have no desire to give it a chance when they are ripping the beating heart out of the entire Buffy world.

Joss made Buffy what it was/is. You cannot fabricate that shit. With out him the wit and humor and sarcasm and brilliance that made Buffy who she was and is was all Joss.

I say a protest is in order... Or at least a petition to get Joss involved, even if it just is in a producer role. He deserves to be part of a reboot of his world and his characters.

What are your thoughts?

Dreaming With a Broken Heart

There are times where I wish my life was a movie; plot twists that can be easily figured out and characters that never seem to leave the mainy behind or let him down in any way.

Unfortunately life never seems to pull a U-ie and imitate art. I want it to more then most people probably realize. I want that awesome best friend who can talk at a moments text or rushes over with a pint of Ben and Jerry's when you are down. I feel like I will never found him/her, I feel as if I am that person to everyone else but no one can return the favor. It just feels like no real life flesh and blood person is there to catch me when I fall in the movie that is my life.

I guess no one showed up for the casting call so that perfect best friend just unfortunately got written out of the pilot script.

Is it sad to say I envy all the people I have done so much for. I envy them because none of the love and care I give to them ever seems to be returned.

I can't let go of the one guy I love even though I probably should because in his mind he can never love me back, and it breaks my heart over and over again but yet it still beats it has realized that it has to go one it has to continue rebuilding itself because it has to love and break at the same time because I won't let it do anything else but that.

I love with a broken heart every day. I am constantly in between anger and contentness, sadness and happiness. Is it fair? Probably not but, when is life ever fair to anyone?

A Lengthy Explaination

This is for everyone,

first off i have to get this out because i know how some of you are going to take this and it isn't want you all think that time around, i am not running away. I have every intention of staying in the same place at the same time and i have worked really really hard to suppress the urge to leave and go off all by myself. but i am taking some time. i need time to be myself and learn who this person is because i don't really know who the hell i am.

I know who the person is that everyone else sees but that really isn't me. but that really isn't me. there is something more there that has been fighting to get out but i have just not let it. i have not let myself because i was afraid of who that person is but that dosn't matter any more. i am not afraid to face myself any more i am not afraid to try new things or belt out into song in a crowded room at the drop of a hat. i am not afraid to be myself any more. but just because i am not afraid of it dosn't mean it is going to be easy because i have to take down so many guards and face other fears that have gotten all muddled up inside of me and that is going to take time and a lot of effort and i am not always gonna be ok.

I am not running from or to anyone this time. i can't let anyone help me i have to help myself and it is going to be hard and i am not going to like it at first but i have to change it i have to get rid of the ickeyness that drives me insane every day and night. so i guess i need to explain where all of this is coming from because it does mean distancing myself from people i would like to have help me because they always help me.

Last night i stumbled across all of these inspirational quotes that i downloaded off of Photobucket after Cory broke up with me and as i was reading them, it just dawned on me that i am not ok with who i am and how i act. i need to fix it. And i am so sorry Max that i can't fix it and be around you at the same time. and being apart from you just helps because, when i am upset or hurt or just angry i run to you and you want to help me so much but this time around you can't help with this and i can't be around to fall back into the pattern of asking for help all the time. I need to help myself.

i was just to close... you know like in art how you focus on one thing all the time and then when you step away it looks like crap. its like that. i need to step away and look at the whole picture.

16 Things...

Rules:Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 16 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 16 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you.

1. I look strong and happy on the outside but most of the time i am really not.

2. If i could i would run far far away give myself a new name and cut myself off from my past.

3. I have never truely felt at home any where except for one place but i can never go back there.

4. When i am upset or scared i either will cry till i reach histerics and have a panic attack or i get really really angry and take it out on every one around me.

5. I will one day join Ludo's quest and take over the world but not through music through film...

6. I currently want to bomb ABC for cancelling Pushing Daisies.

7. I truely couldn't tell you who i am cause i don't think i have ever known the person everyone sees.

8. YouTube is my best friend.

9. I could care more about what has happened and what will happen then what is happening.

10. there are nights i don't sleep because i am afraid of what my dreams will be about.

11. Where have all the good men gone... you know the ones that the great stories were written about??

12. I LOVE talking in Baby talk and with a British Accent... it annoys most people.

13. The more someone tells me they don't care the more i believe they are there...

14. there are very few movies that scare me or make me cry... i wish there were more...

15. my iPod only has two volumes: Loud and Ashley is pissed off leave her the fuck alone world.

16. I am prolly the only person you will ever meet that wishes sometimes they were truly 100%
alone in the world.

I So Hate Consequences

Now playing: Relient K - I So Hate Consequences
via FoxyTunes

How am I to believe that everything is going to eventually fall into place?
nothing Seems to ever go Right for me. I always get the feeling that things are eventually going to fail in the end. I have never let myself believe that feeling, but i am starting to think that i should, even if the complete and utter pessimistic side of it all drives me to the brink of destruction.

I have always lived with the belief that things always happen for a specific reason and purpose in life, i never Truly ever really believed In God, partly because I never could and still Can't believe that someone With so much Power and who was Supposed to be filled with Good could let me Continue to live the life i lived With out any way out or Any other option but to take all the shit that was thrown at me. Half the time i couldn't Handle it, I still can't handle Things well at All.

I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like i really wasn't even given the chance to try and "grow up." but i guess in the end i never really had a chance in the first place. The funny thing about life is no matter how many chances a person gives you they will never forget or see past the first chance they gave you. They will always see you as that person until they leave... or something happens and they change. But change is sometime to slow, it takes up to much time, and one day you wake up and everything you changed for is gone... with no promise of Return.

all in all, Milkshakes melt and People change and I hope that I do change into the person that everyone so desperately wants to see me be. I want to just be Me, but i can't honestly Say i know who I am or who i am supposed to be. I know who i have been and The majority of the time I haven't really truly liked the person I have seen Staring back at me in the Mirror.

There is nothing i want more then to go back and change who i was and how my life turns out, but i never will be able to. I will never forget and I will always regret.
That i Know for a Fact.
I will regret what i lost and how I lost it. I will never forget the love in my heart that Screams at me every hour of everyday... i may be able to Quite the screaming but i don't think i will ever truly get it to shut up.

I am going to try. I am going to be better, faster and with better results.

I am gonna try as hard as i possibly can and i am going to Face the problem head on this time. I don't know how it is going to work, or how it is going to work out in the end, hell it could be a completely diffrent ending then either one of us thinks. which is prolly what will happen, Neither one of us can predict the future, and really no one can so I am going to stop being silly and mopey and sitting around wondering and get up and do something.

We both weren't happy with the way things were. You thought it was what you wanted and i thought I could handle it. I don't Know how this is going to work cause i know it is going to tear me apart but i am gonna try. I don't want to be miserable but i also don't want you to be miserable as well. I wish there was a middle ground but i just can't find one. I can't leave and i don't think you can leave me alone either.

I need to quite the screaming , i need to get Better.
I don't want to cut this out of my life and just throw it under the rug.
I don't want to lose someone i care about, Even if that means completely ignoring the feelings i have.
I need to find Me, I need to be the person you expect and want me to be. And i am going to try as hard as i Can be to be Her.
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Now playing: Kelly Clarkson - I Hate Myself For Losing You
via FoxyTunes

Do you remember how we met?
Silhouetted by the lights...
You were drunk and tried to take a mental picture with your hands
I was thinking about that
And a bunch of other things
Stop looking at the floor...
I need to pour out this expansive dose of words.

I can't explain...
I need to be alone.

I know the timing isn't great
But these things, you just can't plan.
I just need a little time
So I can find myself again
'Cause I get buried underneath
All the things they think you are
And I'm too tired to pretend it doesn't hurt
To be left out

I had a pocket full of dreams
But I gave them all to you
Now I think I want them back
So can you tell me if I'm crazy or confused?
Don't ever change
The way you are
I've never loved anyone more.

Ugh!

I think I am just done with all of this.

I care but I don't, it is a hard emotion to explain especially when they want you to just forget about them and all they did for you and just replace them like a broken watch. I just don't think I would be able to do something so vulgar and plastic like that.

I am not a cold hearted person but yet I seem to attract some of the most uncaring guys that I fall in love with. Did my father mess me up that bad in the head? because really I don't know how to explain why I continue to fall for people who hurt me or treat me like a pile of dog shit.

I thought for once I had someone there who wasn't going to ignore me or treat me like "arm-candy" but yet I let myself get drawn in and let him see me vulnerable and basically crazy at times. and on many occassions I hated myself for it. Then the talk of me needing to change started, why did I have to be the one to change for him? was my first question but then came the kicker that now allows me to understand why girls do the the things they do in abusive relationships, "If you want to keep him you have to try to change" ran through my head so many diffrent times that it made me sick.

I am not like that. I am not someone who changes to make someone other then myself happy. when I tried to change it made me someone who made me sick. I felt snobish and far from myself so I let my stuborness take over and refused to "grow up" as he called it.

But really am I the one who needed to grow up? Was I the one who needed to change?

No. I don't think I was or am.

I may not have been whole or happy on the inside or outside before I met him and he healed the scars I was left with the year before but I was still me. I was still someone I could look in the merrior at and still be happy with who was staring back. when I tried to change that image failed me and he didn't seem to understand that I didn't like who I was turning into, that I didn't like that i was so far from the person inside that i couldn't even enjoy many of the things I had always enjoyed... i couldn't function.

I am sorry to say this because although I love him and care about him so much I can't let myself get sucked in and get hurt again I am sick of allowing him in so much and leting him tear me down time after time and make it look like it is my fault. But I am not and never was the one who needed to change. I have changed for the better many times over at least I don't have thoughts of suicied any more or am always on the borderline of depression and won't allow myself to get help and be happy again for once.

I am proud of who I have become. I have at least tried to live instead of complaining about the way life is.

Life is hard and it isn't easy but the bad stuff is what makes feeling happy ten times better then anything in the world. suffering is part of life and we cannot change it no matter how much you want to, but killing yourself isn't the answer to that problem yes you get rid of all the hurt and all the pain and suffering but you lose everything all together.

even the good stuff.


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Now playing: Katy Perry - Hot N' Cold
via FoxyTunes

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

I enjoyed this film.

I have always enjoyed Indy's crazy adventures... I was raised on them and Star Wars. I won't pretend like I got to see the originals on the big screen... I was born the same year the last one premiered. But I never expected to get that chance... it was an Honor and a Privilege to be able to.

I have always maintained the belief that one should look at a Sequel as its own film, with its own story line and plot twists and characters. Yes sequels are meant to continue a legacy started by the original… but with that being said a sequel, no matter the hype or the story, will never live up to the original. I am often disappointed in people’s lack of enthusiasm when a film doesn’t match the first one. I can understand the disappointment and the let down that many sequels often bring but like I said before it is its own film and story. It is meant to CONTIUNE the story not to degrade it.

Going into Indy 4 I let all of my expectations and beliefs go out of my head the moment the opening sequence began. I learned with other films that if you have high expectations you will not be able to look past them and see the film for what it really is.

Indy’s 4^th adventure was engaging. The moment his shadow walked up and picked up his trade mark hat I knew we were in for a ride. I felt like the Humor and the whit of the first three installments were still there. I like most of the audience often found myself laughing at the sometimes corny references to Ford’s Age.

Harrison Ford IS Indiana Jones… no one could and ever will change that. He plain and simply is Indy, just like he is Han Solo, yes he may be in his 60s but I have to commemorate him for going out and still sacrificing his body for the character he loves.

I plain and simply loved the film. The story may have had its corny bits but it still had the Indiana Jones realism at heart which was refreshing to the Alien genre. The new additions of Agent Spalko, played by the amazing actress Cate Blanchett, and the greaser James Dean re-incarnation of Mutt Williams, played by the ever so talented Shia LaBeouf, brought more depth to Indiana’s world.

All and all the film was engaging, entertaining, and paced well. And I thank the cast and crew for allowing me to see Indy for the first time on the Silver Screen.