Day 18 in Hell...

So... Been a while since I posted I know I promised my hockey blog a video but I have been so depressed and busy lately I haven't really wanted to do much... And then along came the spiders that sat right be side her (me)... The spiders being my roommates.

Recently I learned that I would be getting a tad bit less of a loan refund to pay for my rent, so I talked to my landlord and got permission to find a roommate. So I posted this lovely ad around the Facebook, Craigslist and other such places...

Ended up getting 2. They live in my living room and pay about 300 dollars less a month EACH then I pay for my 1 bedroom apartment in DOWNTOWN CHICAGO. Okay sure that's fair cause I have the bedroom... whatever. I let them move in 15 days early at no charge! I am a goddess they shall love me fore I am forever nice and accommodating they will never try to screw me over now!

Holy Moley... Lack of Bloggy...

So its been a while there Blogger...

its been like A YEAR!!!!

Holy Hell where did the time all go??? Christ School has been keeping me plenty busy. Its been pretty intense what with being a full-time student with 19 credit hours to cover, + two (not one but TWO) Part-Time Jobs... I don't know where I find the time to do... well anything... but the good news is I passed and made it through the year pretty well. I had to drop a few classes here and there which means I will have to take summer school to graduate BUT I can't really complain...

Its been a pretty fun ride here at Columbia... I can barely think about graduating and leaving with dry eyes. The school became a place of fun. it was more about stretching my knowledge with in my craft over boring hum drum school type things. I have made some friends, and also lost a few. Through it all Columbia has shown me what it is to be an artist in this crazy fucked up world, and well its not shy about telling you that it isn't easy out in there in the "Big Bad."

Over the past year I think I have learned a lot about myself and who I am as a person. I still have my daily struggles and I still have an immensely hard time getting up in the morning... some days. But I have a support system in some places and its nice to know there are people out there willing to have my back. its been a while since I have had something like that I could rely on.

ITS AANG NOT ONG!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

To those of you who don't know me well I am a very passionate person. I put that passion in and towards many different things. Just to name a few: Hockey, The St. Louis Blues, Hockey, Harry Potter, Film, and Avatar: The Last Airbender. Now some of you might have heard that a little film called "The Last Airbender" was being released this weekend. Of course I was excited and had preordered tickets and just ready to see some live action bendification on screen... little did I know how disappointed and pissed off I was going to be coming out of the theater with a VERY pissed off, and rightly so, Maxwell.

Avatar: the Last Airbender was a cartoon on Nickelodeon for quite a while before talks of a live action movie started. It had a successful 3 seasons that covered a wonderfully spun story about a world where people (Benders) could manipulate the four elements of Earth, Water, Fire, and Air. But the Avatar was a member of one of the four nations (Fire, Water, Earth and Air... if you haven't caught on...) reincarnated for thousands of years, he/she alone could master all four elements and communicate with the vast and mysteriously powerful spirit world.

I started watching the cartoon with my little brother about 5 years ago when I was a sophomore in High School. I saw it from the beginning and fell in love with the characters and the story and the world itself. It was a beautiful mastering of a serious and dark story blended with a layer of humor and pure entertainment value. I diligently watched every episode after the pilot premiered. When I started College the series was in its third and final "Book" and went through a brief hiatus because of a little dispute between Nick and Disney over the rights of Dante Basco's contract. After watching Cloverfield one night I tried to find one of the newer episodes of Avatar to watch. I happened to make a new friend that day that was actually on a mission to find the exact same episode. Of course that friend turned out to be Max and we bonded over Hockey and Avatar. So last night Max and I trekked out to the Midnight showing of “The Last Airbender” since we both had high hopes after seeing several previews. Afterward wasting 2 hours away at the theater we both came out extremely ready to start a baby punching rampage.

The best of the best when Ashley is Pissed off...

good night ******... i am done... i am done dealing with your really immature nature... and done dealing with your slightly skewed sense of reality... idk what sarah initially saw in you but whatever it was it was clearly a mask that you use to hide your immatureaty and very insecure true self. my advice to you is to grow the fuck up and deal with life and its responsibilities and take the blame for your actions. you need to grow the fuck up get over this "the world is out to get me... oh i need to make myself bleed because my girlfriend broke up with me and now she wont talk to me" issue and strive to become a better fucking person... but because i know you won't i hope you enjoy the emo kid kick because all it is gonna do is wanna kill yourself... so have fun with that... make it creative... peace fucker!

Covered Fair Use Copyright laws?

Recently I came into a terrible problem on YouTube. Of course I have had videos removed from my account, which routinely pisses me off, but never have I encountered a video Fully processed and ALREADY a claim has been filed.

Three More Weeks till the End...

It is a picturesque gloomy gray Tuesday towards the end of July. A girl riddled with stress, anxiety, slight depression, and a bright red rash appearing on her arm from pulling weeds, sits at a purple mis-shapened metal patio table surrounded by members of the Board that ultimately decides her employments future and fate. She sits eyes facing the pole of the umbrella in front of her careful not to look into the eyes of any of her attackers.

She is not weak, but she will pretend to be.

She is not dumb, but she is pretending to be.

She isn't able to defend herself. The corruptness of it all makes her want to throw up and give the two face wanna be bad asses a piece of her mind. But she won't, she has to bite her tongue no matter how personally they dig into her or how they twist events to suit their own agenda or how much they question her character and attitude. She has to bite her tongue for the simple fact that speaking out only causes more problems. She has to stay quiet and take attack after attack because there is nothing she can say or do to change the minds of those who hate her.

No matter how many times the man she has chosen not to have a face, only a slow monotone misunderstanding voice, tells her they are not ganging up on her or trying to bully her she cannot believe that. She knows the truth and to her that is all that matters at this point, she isn't returning for another summer at the place with no name. She is done being attacked mentally, physically, and emotionally. She has had enough of these people who think they are something in the world, when in reality they cannot hold a candle for what she has planned for her life.

She is terrible at lieing and she knows she cannot act but she does her best to hide her sadness and force herself to be happy and cuertious to as many people that she encounters. Every so often she will slip up and let off a bad vibe but doesn't that happen to every human? Is it not human to have a personality and be one's self? Is it not acceptable to treat others as they treat you? Were these teachings they seem to want her to uphold lost or never taught to the girl?

The board finishes threatening to fire the girl on the spot the next time a "complaint", more like lies, is said against her. Her manager talks to her long after the board members leave, he plays the double sided two faced card she can see right through half the time. He tries to tell her that there are parts of what the board has said that he agrees with and there are parts that he disagrees. She finds it contradicting and slightly cowardly, if he wants her employment to be terminated then grow a pair of balls and fire or "let her go". She is tired of the run around and the attempts at undermining her character and the person she is.

She is straight forward. She would rather he be direct with her then talk behind her back like a silly little Gossip Girl in high school.

She is just tired of these people... Just 3 more weeks...

Harry Potter and the Unstoppable tears

It is now 3AM on a slightly brisk Wednesday morning. I am on my way home. 10 minutes ago I was exiting a theater dressed like a slightly more extreme version of the wackadoodle but lovely and kind Luna Lovegood. I have spent a little over 7 and a half hours sitting in a slightly cold theater immersed completely in the world I have love and called my home for nearly 10 years of my life.

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince is my third favorite book in the series. It has everything I love with in the story line and it was the perfect way for JK Rowling to lead us on into the finale that is the Amazingness of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. The adaptations into movies has always had its ups and downs for me and I really hope the next two movies knock Sorcerers' Stone out of its top spot on my favorite scale.

The first movie has been stuck at the top for so long it seemed to be the perfect way to kick of the story in a different media. It may not be the best of the 6 cinematically and the acting may suck but you have to remember when I first saw it I was still a little girl who had a lot to learn and a lot of growing up to do.

I've grown up with Harry.

He's when with me through so much. He kept my mind protected from the evilness that surrounded me at age 11 and up. He kept me from growing weak and giving in, he made me strong and quite possibly stubborn. I asked myself all the time What would Harry Do in this situation? How would he get out of this unscathed or unharmed?

Harry helped me grow up.

The world Harry Potter lives in is one I pretend to see around me. There are evils in this world, exactly like Ms. Rowling writes about, they may not have magical powers but there are severe evils that surround every person on the planet. Each are diff rent and very from place to place but they are all the same in the end, they are all evil.

Harry Potters world gave me father figures to look up to and follow their examples. My own father wasn't there in the way a father should be. I connected with Harry on a very personal level at such a young age. I like him didn't have a father there for me, to help guide me through life, or to pick me up when I needed a hand. I like him, at age 11 seemed to gain more of a sense of who I was and who I could rely on and a better sense of a "Family" (even if they were fictional..."). Jo peppered the story lines with father figures like Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and most of all Albus Dumbledore.

Each character seemed to portray a different type of characteristic of what it is to be a "father". They all cared for Harry, and through him me, they all had his best interest at heart. They collectively were and are my fathers. They all may be fictional but to me they are as real as the people I meet in everyday life. They are always there, they can never leave all I have to do is open a book or pop in a DVD (Except for the bastard child of a Harry Potter movie that is the third one!)

As a book HBP was wonderfully and powerfully written. It was witty and humorous at times but it was also dark and mysterious. It was the book I can always read the quickest because the story keeps me wanting more and more every time I crack its cover.

The movie is almost ALMOST the best adaptation of any of the Potter books. It was long but it never seemed to be uninteresting or lagging. Sure there are things I would have loved to see and there are things I could due with out. But all around it was a Bloody Brilliant film and hope Potter fans Follow the butterflies to the theater to see it. But I ask you to keep an open mind and think of it as a movie and a representation or retelling of the book.

Harry Potter saved my life.

One Day My Prince Will Come Or has he?

I think almost every girl has heard and has probably said it in a fantastic round of girl talk...

"What does she see in him?!"

This phrase is used by countless friends in gossip rounds across the globe to describe a friend or acquaintance who has an "odd" taste in men. These women typically have guys who range from the terrible to the honest to god not bad at all to the god awful ugly. I for one have heard it, have used and it has been said about me. I've heard it said behind my back and its been said to my face.

So here you go all you nay say-ers here is what I see in "him"... If you don't honestly know who he is by now you honestly must not know me at all...

He is one of the sweetest guys I know. He's always there for me, he is there to back me up, or when its necessary, give it to me straight (no pussy-footing). He knows me inside and out. He pisses me off constantly but makes up for it all in the end. He is funny, witty, and an ass hole. He is private, sensitive (but he'll never let you see it.) He is sadistic with a hint of a mascicistic, he is insane. He is intuitive, intelligent, a fighter. He is so much more then I could ever express in words, he is all I have ever wanted and more. He is all of that to me. He has captured my heart, though he doesn't want it, he doesn't think he is good enough for me. But he is, and through all of that he still has my heart. And he isn't gonna be able to give it back very easily no matter how many times he breaks it.

I promised I'd look for another. But how can anyone else compare? How can anyone capture my heart while it is still in the possession of another. Of course my heart can grow and make room for someone new, its possible, and probable, and according to some I should give it a shot. The logic is there but my heart isn't in it. It just doesn't want to let go of the Joker boy. There are days when I wish it did, there are days when I wish he was completely mine, and there are days when I am overwhelmed by the power love has over me.

I am going to try to move on. I've pushed it to the back of my mind for now. Ill always wait for him and I'll always love him. He has a part of me that no one can touch. He has taught me so much. He forced me to "grow up" when no one else would. He believes in me. He has been with me through the good and the bad. I have been with him through those tough times as well. We may fight constantly, we may not full "understand" or "know" one another but we will never stop believing and pulling for one another in the end. Its just not possible for one to leave the other. We are like the strongest of magnets, the harder you try the more difficult it becomes to separate. And that is enough for me, I don't need a label for him. He is Sweets to me, that is all the label he needs for now. I'll always be in his debt. One day maybe I'll capture his heart like he has captured mine. One day.

I love you, Sweets.
I always will...

The Long and Short of it...

I have a story to share with you.

Once upon a time there was a little girl. She was brought into this world by two teenagers who by society's standards were not ready for a child in the slightest. Her mother was 19 and had only just gotten out of high school, while her father never graduated. She was born in a small town in the south but didn't live there much longer. Her parents moved back to their home town. Her mother took a job at the local mall while her father worked as a mechanic. The little girl was often left with her grandparents while her parents were away.

When she was about 2 years old the little girl was joined by a little sister. Not long after the trouble started. The little girl's parents fought a lot. Although she was so young she still hears the
muffled sounds of things breaking and yelling and screams in her dreams. The little girl's parents soon divorced and the little girl and her sister were entrusted to their mother while they saw their father every other weekend, at least that is what it says on the court papers.

As the years past the little girl grew up in the small little town with her mother and sister. Her mother remarried and soon there was a little brother added to the group. The little girl grew up living in fantasy, she poured over old movies like Star Wars and Indiana Jones and thousands of cartoons. She became obsessed with the stories of great heroes and heroines to the point that she wanted to know more. She wanted to know how the stories she watched were made. She wanted to know more. To make up for the often lack of continuations that a good movie often had the little girl created her own versions at night. She often stayed up well past her bed time
pretending, always including herself in the far off lands because she wanted to escape from the harshness of her own story.

The little girl felt as if her life was a constant living hell, looking back on it she still feels that way. Her father treated her like crap, she often pretended she was Cinderella, pretending her real father had died and left her with a mean new step father. She never told anyone how she felt and what really went on because she was scared. She felt alone and she wanted her prince to come and save her. She wished she could run away from the place on the weekends and go home to where she felt safe, but her mother persuaded her to stay for the sake of her younger sister. This made the little girl angry and often upset with her mother, because she felt like she didn't matter to either of her parents. She felt like her sister was the princess in her parents, eyes while the little girl was nothing but a maid.

She grew up still. She went to high school and graduated, not top of her class but who needs icky general classes when your passion is an art form that no one can really teach you. Her obsession with stories evolved into an obsession with movie making and she has been accepted into a top film making school where she will go off to in the fall. She is working hard to move past the scares and the pain that her child hood holds. She once felt alone, and some days she still does, but she wants her life to be spectacular and better than either of her parents would have dreamed up for her. She has something to prove. That little girl isn't worthless, she wasn't a mistake, and she isn't who she was thought to be.

That little girl is me.

Twitter Feeds and angry Followers

What is it with people and having issues with other people using Twitter to hold conversations?

Twitter is a social networking website that users can text or update from the web on what ever it is they want. Other users have the option to follow users who they choose. The users one follows' updates can be viewed on the users home page in a collective "News Feed."

In recent days I have faced multiple outcrys to my use of Twitter to have conversations over the internet. In my opinion "Twitversations" or "Twitvos" is a fundemental use of Twitter. As a social networking site it's members should be allowed to utilize it in the manner the user choses. My essential point of it all is that I am not gonna baraded or call out one of my "followers" for posting something on Twitter that I do not care for. It is their twitter and who am I to say what is wrong or right on a Social Networking site... Key words there SOCIAL NETWORKING site...

Social networking sites purposes very but essentially follow a basic principle, they were created to bring people who otherwise wouldn't be brought together. A main example of this is clear on my twitter: I have chosen to follow a few of my favorite Authors and Youtube stars and even certain celebs like @NathanFillion or @Ecogeek.

But a social networking site like twitter that utilizes many diffrent technologies shakes that basic principle up a bit in my mind. Because users are allowed to mobile follow someone using SMS texting from their phone many people hold conversations on Twitter. It allows one user to be on the phone while another is on a computer. For me it is a better way to talk to people then AIM from my phone. AIM mobile dosnt allow me to start convos easily, twitter does.

To be clear I do understand the other side to all of this. I really do but my essential point is it really is nothing to be angry about. I understand that it is annoying to some people to wade through usless nonsense on twitter to find what they are looking for, but unfortunatly for them Shit like that happens. People, myself included, are still gonna use their Twitter accounts in a manner that they see fit. I will however try to limit length convos from update and try and move to direct messages to ease some peoples "suffering". All I ask is that everyone take a look from my point of view as well, look at the big picture instead of nit picking that is all I ask and I don't mean to be a bitch at all about this. I love pretty much all of my followers and those who follow me back, @FactorOne said it best:

"We follow you for a reason."