This is for everyone,
first off i have to get this out because i know how some of you are going to take this and it isn't want you all think that time around, i am not running away. I have every intention of staying in the same place at the same time and i have worked really really hard to suppress the urge to leave and go off all by myself. but i am taking some time. i need time to be myself and learn who this person is because i don't really know who the hell i am.
I know who the person is that everyone else sees but that really isn't me. but that really isn't me. there is something more there that has been fighting to get out but i have just not let it. i have not let myself because i was afraid of who that person is but that dosn't matter any more. i am not afraid to face myself any more i am not afraid to try new things or belt out into song in a crowded room at the drop of a hat. i am not afraid to be myself any more. but just because i am not afraid of it dosn't mean it is going to be easy because i have to take down so many guards and face other fears that have gotten all muddled up inside of me and that is going to take time and a lot of effort and i am not always gonna be ok.
I am not running from or to anyone this time. i can't let anyone help me i have to help myself and it is going to be hard and i am not going to like it at first but i have to change it i have to get rid of the ickeyness that drives me insane every day and night. so i guess i need to explain where all of this is coming from because it does mean distancing myself from people i would like to have help me because they always help me.
Last night i stumbled across all of these inspirational quotes that i downloaded off of Photobucket after Cory broke up with me and as i was reading them, it just dawned on me that i am not ok with who i am and how i act. i need to fix it. And i am so sorry Max that i can't fix it and be around you at the same time. and being apart from you just helps because, when i am upset or hurt or just angry i run to you and you want to help me so much but this time around you can't help with this and i can't be around to fall back into the pattern of asking for help all the time. I need to help myself.
i was just to close... you know like in art how you focus on one thing all the time and then when you step away it looks like crap. its like that. i need to step away and look at the whole picture.
