The best of the best when Ashley is Pissed off...

good night ******... i am done... i am done dealing with your really immature nature... and done dealing with your slightly skewed sense of reality... idk what sarah initially saw in you but whatever it was it was clearly a mask that you use to hide your immatureaty and very insecure true self. my advice to you is to grow the fuck up and deal with life and its responsibilities and take the blame for your actions. you need to grow the fuck up get over this "the world is out to get me... oh i need to make myself bleed because my girlfriend broke up with me and now she wont talk to me" issue and strive to become a better fucking person... but because i know you won't i hope you enjoy the emo kid kick because all it is gonna do is wanna kill yourself... so have fun with that... make it creative... peace fucker!

Covered Fair Use Copyright laws?

Recently I came into a terrible problem on YouTube. Of course I have had videos removed from my account, which routinely pisses me off, but never have I encountered a video Fully processed and ALREADY a claim has been filed.

Three More Weeks till the End...

It is a picturesque gloomy gray Tuesday towards the end of July. A girl riddled with stress, anxiety, slight depression, and a bright red rash appearing on her arm from pulling weeds, sits at a purple mis-shapened metal patio table surrounded by members of the Board that ultimately decides her employments future and fate. She sits eyes facing the pole of the umbrella in front of her careful not to look into the eyes of any of her attackers.

She is not weak, but she will pretend to be.

She is not dumb, but she is pretending to be.

She isn't able to defend herself. The corruptness of it all makes her want to throw up and give the two face wanna be bad asses a piece of her mind. But she won't, she has to bite her tongue no matter how personally they dig into her or how they twist events to suit their own agenda or how much they question her character and attitude. She has to bite her tongue for the simple fact that speaking out only causes more problems. She has to stay quiet and take attack after attack because there is nothing she can say or do to change the minds of those who hate her.

No matter how many times the man she has chosen not to have a face, only a slow monotone misunderstanding voice, tells her they are not ganging up on her or trying to bully her she cannot believe that. She knows the truth and to her that is all that matters at this point, she isn't returning for another summer at the place with no name. She is done being attacked mentally, physically, and emotionally. She has had enough of these people who think they are something in the world, when in reality they cannot hold a candle for what she has planned for her life.

She is terrible at lieing and she knows she cannot act but she does her best to hide her sadness and force herself to be happy and cuertious to as many people that she encounters. Every so often she will slip up and let off a bad vibe but doesn't that happen to every human? Is it not human to have a personality and be one's self? Is it not acceptable to treat others as they treat you? Were these teachings they seem to want her to uphold lost or never taught to the girl?

The board finishes threatening to fire the girl on the spot the next time a "complaint", more like lies, is said against her. Her manager talks to her long after the board members leave, he plays the double sided two faced card she can see right through half the time. He tries to tell her that there are parts of what the board has said that he agrees with and there are parts that he disagrees. She finds it contradicting and slightly cowardly, if he wants her employment to be terminated then grow a pair of balls and fire or "let her go". She is tired of the run around and the attempts at undermining her character and the person she is.

She is straight forward. She would rather he be direct with her then talk behind her back like a silly little Gossip Girl in high school.

She is just tired of these people... Just 3 more weeks...

Harry Potter and the Unstoppable tears

It is now 3AM on a slightly brisk Wednesday morning. I am on my way home. 10 minutes ago I was exiting a theater dressed like a slightly more extreme version of the wackadoodle but lovely and kind Luna Lovegood. I have spent a little over 7 and a half hours sitting in a slightly cold theater immersed completely in the world I have love and called my home for nearly 10 years of my life.

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince is my third favorite book in the series. It has everything I love with in the story line and it was the perfect way for JK Rowling to lead us on into the finale that is the Amazingness of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. The adaptations into movies has always had its ups and downs for me and I really hope the next two movies knock Sorcerers' Stone out of its top spot on my favorite scale.

The first movie has been stuck at the top for so long it seemed to be the perfect way to kick of the story in a different media. It may not be the best of the 6 cinematically and the acting may suck but you have to remember when I first saw it I was still a little girl who had a lot to learn and a lot of growing up to do.

I've grown up with Harry.

He's when with me through so much. He kept my mind protected from the evilness that surrounded me at age 11 and up. He kept me from growing weak and giving in, he made me strong and quite possibly stubborn. I asked myself all the time What would Harry Do in this situation? How would he get out of this unscathed or unharmed?

Harry helped me grow up.

The world Harry Potter lives in is one I pretend to see around me. There are evils in this world, exactly like Ms. Rowling writes about, they may not have magical powers but there are severe evils that surround every person on the planet. Each are diff rent and very from place to place but they are all the same in the end, they are all evil.

Harry Potters world gave me father figures to look up to and follow their examples. My own father wasn't there in the way a father should be. I connected with Harry on a very personal level at such a young age. I like him didn't have a father there for me, to help guide me through life, or to pick me up when I needed a hand. I like him, at age 11 seemed to gain more of a sense of who I was and who I could rely on and a better sense of a "Family" (even if they were fictional..."). Jo peppered the story lines with father figures like Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and most of all Albus Dumbledore.

Each character seemed to portray a different type of characteristic of what it is to be a "father". They all cared for Harry, and through him me, they all had his best interest at heart. They collectively were and are my fathers. They all may be fictional but to me they are as real as the people I meet in everyday life. They are always there, they can never leave all I have to do is open a book or pop in a DVD (Except for the bastard child of a Harry Potter movie that is the third one!)

As a book HBP was wonderfully and powerfully written. It was witty and humorous at times but it was also dark and mysterious. It was the book I can always read the quickest because the story keeps me wanting more and more every time I crack its cover.

The movie is almost ALMOST the best adaptation of any of the Potter books. It was long but it never seemed to be uninteresting or lagging. Sure there are things I would have loved to see and there are things I could due with out. But all around it was a Bloody Brilliant film and hope Potter fans Follow the butterflies to the theater to see it. But I ask you to keep an open mind and think of it as a movie and a representation or retelling of the book.

Harry Potter saved my life.

One Day My Prince Will Come Or has he?

I think almost every girl has heard and has probably said it in a fantastic round of girl talk...

"What does she see in him?!"

This phrase is used by countless friends in gossip rounds across the globe to describe a friend or acquaintance who has an "odd" taste in men. These women typically have guys who range from the terrible to the honest to god not bad at all to the god awful ugly. I for one have heard it, have used and it has been said about me. I've heard it said behind my back and its been said to my face.

So here you go all you nay say-ers here is what I see in "him"... If you don't honestly know who he is by now you honestly must not know me at all...

He is one of the sweetest guys I know. He's always there for me, he is there to back me up, or when its necessary, give it to me straight (no pussy-footing). He knows me inside and out. He pisses me off constantly but makes up for it all in the end. He is funny, witty, and an ass hole. He is private, sensitive (but he'll never let you see it.) He is sadistic with a hint of a mascicistic, he is insane. He is intuitive, intelligent, a fighter. He is so much more then I could ever express in words, he is all I have ever wanted and more. He is all of that to me. He has captured my heart, though he doesn't want it, he doesn't think he is good enough for me. But he is, and through all of that he still has my heart. And he isn't gonna be able to give it back very easily no matter how many times he breaks it.

I promised I'd look for another. But how can anyone else compare? How can anyone capture my heart while it is still in the possession of another. Of course my heart can grow and make room for someone new, its possible, and probable, and according to some I should give it a shot. The logic is there but my heart isn't in it. It just doesn't want to let go of the Joker boy. There are days when I wish it did, there are days when I wish he was completely mine, and there are days when I am overwhelmed by the power love has over me.

I am going to try to move on. I've pushed it to the back of my mind for now. Ill always wait for him and I'll always love him. He has a part of me that no one can touch. He has taught me so much. He forced me to "grow up" when no one else would. He believes in me. He has been with me through the good and the bad. I have been with him through those tough times as well. We may fight constantly, we may not full "understand" or "know" one another but we will never stop believing and pulling for one another in the end. Its just not possible for one to leave the other. We are like the strongest of magnets, the harder you try the more difficult it becomes to separate. And that is enough for me, I don't need a label for him. He is Sweets to me, that is all the label he needs for now. I'll always be in his debt. One day maybe I'll capture his heart like he has captured mine. One day.

I love you, Sweets.
I always will...

The Long and Short of it...

I have a story to share with you.

Once upon a time there was a little girl. She was brought into this world by two teenagers who by society's standards were not ready for a child in the slightest. Her mother was 19 and had only just gotten out of high school, while her father never graduated. She was born in a small town in the south but didn't live there much longer. Her parents moved back to their home town. Her mother took a job at the local mall while her father worked as a mechanic. The little girl was often left with her grandparents while her parents were away.

When she was about 2 years old the little girl was joined by a little sister. Not long after the trouble started. The little girl's parents fought a lot. Although she was so young she still hears the
muffled sounds of things breaking and yelling and screams in her dreams. The little girl's parents soon divorced and the little girl and her sister were entrusted to their mother while they saw their father every other weekend, at least that is what it says on the court papers.

As the years past the little girl grew up in the small little town with her mother and sister. Her mother remarried and soon there was a little brother added to the group. The little girl grew up living in fantasy, she poured over old movies like Star Wars and Indiana Jones and thousands of cartoons. She became obsessed with the stories of great heroes and heroines to the point that she wanted to know more. She wanted to know how the stories she watched were made. She wanted to know more. To make up for the often lack of continuations that a good movie often had the little girl created her own versions at night. She often stayed up well past her bed time
pretending, always including herself in the far off lands because she wanted to escape from the harshness of her own story.

The little girl felt as if her life was a constant living hell, looking back on it she still feels that way. Her father treated her like crap, she often pretended she was Cinderella, pretending her real father had died and left her with a mean new step father. She never told anyone how she felt and what really went on because she was scared. She felt alone and she wanted her prince to come and save her. She wished she could run away from the place on the weekends and go home to where she felt safe, but her mother persuaded her to stay for the sake of her younger sister. This made the little girl angry and often upset with her mother, because she felt like she didn't matter to either of her parents. She felt like her sister was the princess in her parents, eyes while the little girl was nothing but a maid.

She grew up still. She went to high school and graduated, not top of her class but who needs icky general classes when your passion is an art form that no one can really teach you. Her obsession with stories evolved into an obsession with movie making and she has been accepted into a top film making school where she will go off to in the fall. She is working hard to move past the scares and the pain that her child hood holds. She once felt alone, and some days she still does, but she wants her life to be spectacular and better than either of her parents would have dreamed up for her. She has something to prove. That little girl isn't worthless, she wasn't a mistake, and she isn't who she was thought to be.

That little girl is me.

Twitter Feeds and angry Followers

What is it with people and having issues with other people using Twitter to hold conversations?

Twitter is a social networking website that users can text or update from the web on what ever it is they want. Other users have the option to follow users who they choose. The users one follows' updates can be viewed on the users home page in a collective "News Feed."

In recent days I have faced multiple outcrys to my use of Twitter to have conversations over the internet. In my opinion "Twitversations" or "Twitvos" is a fundemental use of Twitter. As a social networking site it's members should be allowed to utilize it in the manner the user choses. My essential point of it all is that I am not gonna baraded or call out one of my "followers" for posting something on Twitter that I do not care for. It is their twitter and who am I to say what is wrong or right on a Social Networking site... Key words there SOCIAL NETWORKING site...

Social networking sites purposes very but essentially follow a basic principle, they were created to bring people who otherwise wouldn't be brought together. A main example of this is clear on my twitter: I have chosen to follow a few of my favorite Authors and Youtube stars and even certain celebs like @NathanFillion or @Ecogeek.

But a social networking site like twitter that utilizes many diffrent technologies shakes that basic principle up a bit in my mind. Because users are allowed to mobile follow someone using SMS texting from their phone many people hold conversations on Twitter. It allows one user to be on the phone while another is on a computer. For me it is a better way to talk to people then AIM from my phone. AIM mobile dosnt allow me to start convos easily, twitter does.

To be clear I do understand the other side to all of this. I really do but my essential point is it really is nothing to be angry about. I understand that it is annoying to some people to wade through usless nonsense on twitter to find what they are looking for, but unfortunatly for them Shit like that happens. People, myself included, are still gonna use their Twitter accounts in a manner that they see fit. I will however try to limit length convos from update and try and move to direct messages to ease some peoples "suffering". All I ask is that everyone take a look from my point of view as well, look at the big picture instead of nit picking that is all I ask and I don't mean to be a bitch at all about this. I love pretty much all of my followers and those who follow me back, @FactorOne said it best:

"We follow you for a reason."

Joss-LESS Buffy Movie... WTF!?!

It has been brought to my attention that an atrocious and icky-tastic announcement was released from Hollywood execs in recent days.

According to Whedonesque.com and many other entertainment news outlets plans are in the works for, what they are calling, a "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" "reboot" movie.

Which would be spled-fucking-diferious for all us slayer loven fans... But there's a catch:
"The film will be separate from the television series. It will not be part of the Buffy-verse cannon. It will be with out the amazing cast of characters such as Giles, Willow, Zander, Oz, Cordie, Spike, Dawney, and many others. And here is the biggy: THE MASTER OF THE BUFFY-VERSE JOSS WHEDON WILL NOT BE INVOLVED IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM!"

In the words of little Lizzie from Drop Dead Fred: "What a pile of SHIT!"

To me this is like hearing about the death of a child. I feel for Joss, his baby the Bufster is being taken by some scary creepy mustasioed greasy man and rapeing the shit out of the poor little girl and breaking the hearts of her parents.

Ok so MAYYYYBEEEEE that's going a little to far but a Buffy with out a Whedon is like a Fish without water. Its discussing and disturbing and full of so much fail it makes my eyes and... Ok it makes my whole face bleed just thinking about how fail-tastic it sounds.

I completely understand that after the epic fail that was the original Buffy Movie back in 1992, when the original was released, that Fran Rubel Kuzui and her husband maintained the rights to Buffy and later became producers of the beloved TV series. But as a film maker I do NOT like it. I may understand holding the rights to something, but Buffy isn't her's.

That is the bottom line. Buffy is Joss Whedon's he wrote the script for the 1992 movie, he created Buffy from nothing, and when the movie flopped he didn't drop her like yesterdays newspaper, he worked hard and brought her too the small screen where, for lack of a better term, she kicked ass for 7 long seasons and in many MANY comic books there after.

Joss has never been with out his Buffy. And I feel like now this Kuzui chick is taking her away from him. It isn't right. It is just so icky I want to vomit.

I honestly hope it flops...

I never wish that on movies but I really have no desire to give it a chance when they are ripping the beating heart out of the entire Buffy world.

Joss made Buffy what it was/is. You cannot fabricate that shit. With out him the wit and humor and sarcasm and brilliance that made Buffy who she was and is was all Joss.

I say a protest is in order... Or at least a petition to get Joss involved, even if it just is in a producer role. He deserves to be part of a reboot of his world and his characters.

What are your thoughts?

Dreaming With a Broken Heart

There are times where I wish my life was a movie; plot twists that can be easily figured out and characters that never seem to leave the mainy behind or let him down in any way.

Unfortunately life never seems to pull a U-ie and imitate art. I want it to more then most people probably realize. I want that awesome best friend who can talk at a moments text or rushes over with a pint of Ben and Jerry's when you are down. I feel like I will never found him/her, I feel as if I am that person to everyone else but no one can return the favor. It just feels like no real life flesh and blood person is there to catch me when I fall in the movie that is my life.

I guess no one showed up for the casting call so that perfect best friend just unfortunately got written out of the pilot script.

Is it sad to say I envy all the people I have done so much for. I envy them because none of the love and care I give to them ever seems to be returned.

I can't let go of the one guy I love even though I probably should because in his mind he can never love me back, and it breaks my heart over and over again but yet it still beats it has realized that it has to go one it has to continue rebuilding itself because it has to love and break at the same time because I won't let it do anything else but that.

I love with a broken heart every day. I am constantly in between anger and contentness, sadness and happiness. Is it fair? Probably not but, when is life ever fair to anyone?

A Lengthy Explaination

This is for everyone,

first off i have to get this out because i know how some of you are going to take this and it isn't want you all think that time around, i am not running away. I have every intention of staying in the same place at the same time and i have worked really really hard to suppress the urge to leave and go off all by myself. but i am taking some time. i need time to be myself and learn who this person is because i don't really know who the hell i am.

I know who the person is that everyone else sees but that really isn't me. but that really isn't me. there is something more there that has been fighting to get out but i have just not let it. i have not let myself because i was afraid of who that person is but that dosn't matter any more. i am not afraid to face myself any more i am not afraid to try new things or belt out into song in a crowded room at the drop of a hat. i am not afraid to be myself any more. but just because i am not afraid of it dosn't mean it is going to be easy because i have to take down so many guards and face other fears that have gotten all muddled up inside of me and that is going to take time and a lot of effort and i am not always gonna be ok.

I am not running from or to anyone this time. i can't let anyone help me i have to help myself and it is going to be hard and i am not going to like it at first but i have to change it i have to get rid of the ickeyness that drives me insane every day and night. so i guess i need to explain where all of this is coming from because it does mean distancing myself from people i would like to have help me because they always help me.

Last night i stumbled across all of these inspirational quotes that i downloaded off of Photobucket after Cory broke up with me and as i was reading them, it just dawned on me that i am not ok with who i am and how i act. i need to fix it. And i am so sorry Max that i can't fix it and be around you at the same time. and being apart from you just helps because, when i am upset or hurt or just angry i run to you and you want to help me so much but this time around you can't help with this and i can't be around to fall back into the pattern of asking for help all the time. I need to help myself.

i was just to close... you know like in art how you focus on one thing all the time and then when you step away it looks like crap. its like that. i need to step away and look at the whole picture.