16 Things...

Rules:Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 16 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 16 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you.

1. I look strong and happy on the outside but most of the time i am really not.

2. If i could i would run far far away give myself a new name and cut myself off from my past.

3. I have never truely felt at home any where except for one place but i can never go back there.

4. When i am upset or scared i either will cry till i reach histerics and have a panic attack or i get really really angry and take it out on every one around me.

5. I will one day join Ludo's quest and take over the world but not through music through film...

6. I currently want to bomb ABC for cancelling Pushing Daisies.

7. I truely couldn't tell you who i am cause i don't think i have ever known the person everyone sees.

8. YouTube is my best friend.

9. I could care more about what has happened and what will happen then what is happening.

10. there are nights i don't sleep because i am afraid of what my dreams will be about.

11. Where have all the good men gone... you know the ones that the great stories were written about??

12. I LOVE talking in Baby talk and with a British Accent... it annoys most people.

13. The more someone tells me they don't care the more i believe they are there...

14. there are very few movies that scare me or make me cry... i wish there were more...

15. my iPod only has two volumes: Loud and Ashley is pissed off leave her the fuck alone world.

16. I am prolly the only person you will ever meet that wishes sometimes they were truly 100%
alone in the world.

I So Hate Consequences

Now playing: Relient K - I So Hate Consequences
via FoxyTunes

How am I to believe that everything is going to eventually fall into place?
nothing Seems to ever go Right for me. I always get the feeling that things are eventually going to fail in the end. I have never let myself believe that feeling, but i am starting to think that i should, even if the complete and utter pessimistic side of it all drives me to the brink of destruction.

I have always lived with the belief that things always happen for a specific reason and purpose in life, i never Truly ever really believed In God, partly because I never could and still Can't believe that someone With so much Power and who was Supposed to be filled with Good could let me Continue to live the life i lived With out any way out or Any other option but to take all the shit that was thrown at me. Half the time i couldn't Handle it, I still can't handle Things well at All.

I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like i really wasn't even given the chance to try and "grow up." but i guess in the end i never really had a chance in the first place. The funny thing about life is no matter how many chances a person gives you they will never forget or see past the first chance they gave you. They will always see you as that person until they leave... or something happens and they change. But change is sometime to slow, it takes up to much time, and one day you wake up and everything you changed for is gone... with no promise of Return.

all in all, Milkshakes melt and People change and I hope that I do change into the person that everyone so desperately wants to see me be. I want to just be Me, but i can't honestly Say i know who I am or who i am supposed to be. I know who i have been and The majority of the time I haven't really truly liked the person I have seen Staring back at me in the Mirror.

There is nothing i want more then to go back and change who i was and how my life turns out, but i never will be able to. I will never forget and I will always regret.
That i Know for a Fact.
I will regret what i lost and how I lost it. I will never forget the love in my heart that Screams at me every hour of everyday... i may be able to Quite the screaming but i don't think i will ever truly get it to shut up.

I am going to try. I am going to be better, faster and with better results.

I am gonna try as hard as i possibly can and i am going to Face the problem head on this time. I don't know how it is going to work, or how it is going to work out in the end, hell it could be a completely diffrent ending then either one of us thinks. which is prolly what will happen, Neither one of us can predict the future, and really no one can so I am going to stop being silly and mopey and sitting around wondering and get up and do something.

We both weren't happy with the way things were. You thought it was what you wanted and i thought I could handle it. I don't Know how this is going to work cause i know it is going to tear me apart but i am gonna try. I don't want to be miserable but i also don't want you to be miserable as well. I wish there was a middle ground but i just can't find one. I can't leave and i don't think you can leave me alone either.

I need to quite the screaming , i need to get Better.
I don't want to cut this out of my life and just throw it under the rug.
I don't want to lose someone i care about, Even if that means completely ignoring the feelings i have.
I need to find Me, I need to be the person you expect and want me to be. And i am going to try as hard as i Can be to be Her.
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Now playing: Kelly Clarkson - I Hate Myself For Losing You
via FoxyTunes

Do you remember how we met?
Silhouetted by the lights...
You were drunk and tried to take a mental picture with your hands
I was thinking about that
And a bunch of other things
Stop looking at the floor...
I need to pour out this expansive dose of words.

I can't explain...
I need to be alone.

I know the timing isn't great
But these things, you just can't plan.
I just need a little time
So I can find myself again
'Cause I get buried underneath
All the things they think you are
And I'm too tired to pretend it doesn't hurt
To be left out

I had a pocket full of dreams
But I gave them all to you
Now I think I want them back
So can you tell me if I'm crazy or confused?
Don't ever change
The way you are
I've never loved anyone more.

Ugh!

I think I am just done with all of this.

I care but I don't, it is a hard emotion to explain especially when they want you to just forget about them and all they did for you and just replace them like a broken watch. I just don't think I would be able to do something so vulgar and plastic like that.

I am not a cold hearted person but yet I seem to attract some of the most uncaring guys that I fall in love with. Did my father mess me up that bad in the head? because really I don't know how to explain why I continue to fall for people who hurt me or treat me like a pile of dog shit.

I thought for once I had someone there who wasn't going to ignore me or treat me like "arm-candy" but yet I let myself get drawn in and let him see me vulnerable and basically crazy at times. and on many occassions I hated myself for it. Then the talk of me needing to change started, why did I have to be the one to change for him? was my first question but then came the kicker that now allows me to understand why girls do the the things they do in abusive relationships, "If you want to keep him you have to try to change" ran through my head so many diffrent times that it made me sick.

I am not like that. I am not someone who changes to make someone other then myself happy. when I tried to change it made me someone who made me sick. I felt snobish and far from myself so I let my stuborness take over and refused to "grow up" as he called it.

But really am I the one who needed to grow up? Was I the one who needed to change?

No. I don't think I was or am.

I may not have been whole or happy on the inside or outside before I met him and he healed the scars I was left with the year before but I was still me. I was still someone I could look in the merrior at and still be happy with who was staring back. when I tried to change that image failed me and he didn't seem to understand that I didn't like who I was turning into, that I didn't like that i was so far from the person inside that i couldn't even enjoy many of the things I had always enjoyed... i couldn't function.

I am sorry to say this because although I love him and care about him so much I can't let myself get sucked in and get hurt again I am sick of allowing him in so much and leting him tear me down time after time and make it look like it is my fault. But I am not and never was the one who needed to change. I have changed for the better many times over at least I don't have thoughts of suicied any more or am always on the borderline of depression and won't allow myself to get help and be happy again for once.

I am proud of who I have become. I have at least tried to live instead of complaining about the way life is.

Life is hard and it isn't easy but the bad stuff is what makes feeling happy ten times better then anything in the world. suffering is part of life and we cannot change it no matter how much you want to, but killing yourself isn't the answer to that problem yes you get rid of all the hurt and all the pain and suffering but you lose everything all together.

even the good stuff.


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Now playing: Katy Perry - Hot N' Cold
via FoxyTunes

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

I enjoyed this film.

I have always enjoyed Indy's crazy adventures... I was raised on them and Star Wars. I won't pretend like I got to see the originals on the big screen... I was born the same year the last one premiered. But I never expected to get that chance... it was an Honor and a Privilege to be able to.

I have always maintained the belief that one should look at a Sequel as its own film, with its own story line and plot twists and characters. Yes sequels are meant to continue a legacy started by the original… but with that being said a sequel, no matter the hype or the story, will never live up to the original. I am often disappointed in people’s lack of enthusiasm when a film doesn’t match the first one. I can understand the disappointment and the let down that many sequels often bring but like I said before it is its own film and story. It is meant to CONTIUNE the story not to degrade it.

Going into Indy 4 I let all of my expectations and beliefs go out of my head the moment the opening sequence began. I learned with other films that if you have high expectations you will not be able to look past them and see the film for what it really is.

Indy’s 4^th adventure was engaging. The moment his shadow walked up and picked up his trade mark hat I knew we were in for a ride. I felt like the Humor and the whit of the first three installments were still there. I like most of the audience often found myself laughing at the sometimes corny references to Ford’s Age.

Harrison Ford IS Indiana Jones… no one could and ever will change that. He plain and simply is Indy, just like he is Han Solo, yes he may be in his 60s but I have to commemorate him for going out and still sacrificing his body for the character he loves.

I plain and simply loved the film. The story may have had its corny bits but it still had the Indiana Jones realism at heart which was refreshing to the Alien genre. The new additions of Agent Spalko, played by the amazing actress Cate Blanchett, and the greaser James Dean re-incarnation of Mutt Williams, played by the ever so talented Shia LaBeouf, brought more depth to Indiana’s world.

All and all the film was engaging, entertaining, and paced well. And I thank the cast and crew for allowing me to see Indy for the first time on the Silver Screen.