Ugh!

I think I am just done with all of this.

I care but I don't, it is a hard emotion to explain especially when they want you to just forget about them and all they did for you and just replace them like a broken watch. I just don't think I would be able to do something so vulgar and plastic like that.

I am not a cold hearted person but yet I seem to attract some of the most uncaring guys that I fall in love with. Did my father mess me up that bad in the head? because really I don't know how to explain why I continue to fall for people who hurt me or treat me like a pile of dog shit.

I thought for once I had someone there who wasn't going to ignore me or treat me like "arm-candy" but yet I let myself get drawn in and let him see me vulnerable and basically crazy at times. and on many occassions I hated myself for it. Then the talk of me needing to change started, why did I have to be the one to change for him? was my first question but then came the kicker that now allows me to understand why girls do the the things they do in abusive relationships, "If you want to keep him you have to try to change" ran through my head so many diffrent times that it made me sick.

I am not like that. I am not someone who changes to make someone other then myself happy. when I tried to change it made me someone who made me sick. I felt snobish and far from myself so I let my stuborness take over and refused to "grow up" as he called it.

But really am I the one who needed to grow up? Was I the one who needed to change?

No. I don't think I was or am.

I may not have been whole or happy on the inside or outside before I met him and he healed the scars I was left with the year before but I was still me. I was still someone I could look in the merrior at and still be happy with who was staring back. when I tried to change that image failed me and he didn't seem to understand that I didn't like who I was turning into, that I didn't like that i was so far from the person inside that i couldn't even enjoy many of the things I had always enjoyed... i couldn't function.

I am sorry to say this because although I love him and care about him so much I can't let myself get sucked in and get hurt again I am sick of allowing him in so much and leting him tear me down time after time and make it look like it is my fault. But I am not and never was the one who needed to change. I have changed for the better many times over at least I don't have thoughts of suicied any more or am always on the borderline of depression and won't allow myself to get help and be happy again for once.

I am proud of who I have become. I have at least tried to live instead of complaining about the way life is.

Life is hard and it isn't easy but the bad stuff is what makes feeling happy ten times better then anything in the world. suffering is part of life and we cannot change it no matter how much you want to, but killing yourself isn't the answer to that problem yes you get rid of all the hurt and all the pain and suffering but you lose everything all together.

even the good stuff.


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